this is what happens when I watch The Hunger Games, apparently.

I had THEE weirdest dream last night. My friend from elementary school & I were taking some class at La Sierra & the midterm assignment was to wear an outfit to class that portrayed a specific part of your personality. But he & I had to go fight a bunch of people first to protect some girl’s (I don’t even know whose) honor before we went to class. So we only had like twelve minutes to find our outfits in this ghetto store with the most ratchet looking clothes ever. & on top of that, my glasses got broken in the brawl so I’m trying my best to keep them as together as possible while still running at record-breaking speed. & on top of that, we only had like twenty one dollars between us. So we’re running through this store to find different outfits so the teacher doesn’t accuse us of cheating. But while we’re looking, the gang of people we had just finished beating up were showing up trying to ambush us at different parts in the store. So he & I are like tag-teaming & doing all these crazy acrobatic shit, like jumping off each other’s backs & swinging off of racks & jumping from escalators & all this unbelievable shit. & we finally end up with something at like four oh four, with six minutes to get to class & change. So we’re hauling ass across campus to get to class on time, because being tardy is an automatic fail. & we’re changing as we run, so I’m┬álike trying to get my jeans off without falling & I just toss them aside & they hit this girl’s backpack & I yell that I’m sorry. But then I look at the girl & walk back to her & smile & I’m like, “Don’t move for thirty to forty-five minutes. I’m gonna want to meet you, but I can’t fail my midterm.” & she smiled at me & then I was suddenly aware I wasn’t wearing pants, so I laughed & bolted toward the room. Long story short, we both got A’s.

I had an awesome dream last night. One of the best I’ve had in a long time.
I had a girlfriend, and there was some sort of worldwide movie phenomenon going on.
Oh and Megan Fox was there.

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Pardon my language (my dream last night)

I’m starting to think that the less time I spend asleep, the more screwed up my dreams get.
Last night was legitimately too weird for words.
But I’ll use words anyways.
So there was these bugs. Like these damn ladybug-looking type things with freaking sharp claws & these weird blood-sucking antennae shit on their heads.
Pardon my language, but I’d rather have serial killers in my nightmares than an infestation of bugs. Not even kidding.
And there were these huge spiders, too. They weren’t tarantulas, they were legit spiders that were as big as a freaking tarantula.
And for God knows what reason, they were infesting my asdfghjkl house. I noticed them because they were clinging on to my damn leg & biting me & sucking my blood like some Amazonian leeches or something.
So I swipe my hand across my leg to knock them off, and I see that there’s like ten of that shit just walking around on the floor. And I jump over them and run to my tv room. And those asdfghjkl things are walking along my walls and reproducing in front of my eyes.
So I haul ass to where my family is, and they’re oblivious to the fact that the ground below their feet has all that shit just walking around. I looked at my dad and said, quote, “Pops. There is a def-con 1 infestation of insects in our house. We’re gonna need to tag team with Raid and bug spray and hydrochloride and whatever other shit we can find.”
And then we proceeded to try and exterminate all the asdfghjkl insects. But they reproduced so fast.
It was like that scene in Hercules where he battles the Hydra. No matter how fast we killed them, those damn things came back stronger.
So eventually I told my family to leave and save themselves while I held the infestation off.
They engulfed my like the titans did with their elemental powers to Zeus in Hercules. I proceeded to wake up because those bugs scared me shitless.
That was my dream last night, though. Since you asked.

"I will die every day ‘til you’re mine again."

"I wanted to make your everything alright."

: They said we look like we belong together.
: Like, the world would explode if we didn't end up together.
: Oh.
: Yeah.
: Well. That's good to know.

The Dog Days Are Over.

The dog days are gone.
My life can be broken down into two parts.
One: The part of my life that I understand, and actually makes sense to me.
Two: The part involving girls.
I have two New Year’s “Resolutions”.
But they’re not really resolutions. They’re more rules that I’m gonna try to follow than anything else.
And they happen to correspond to each of the parts of my life.
The part about everything that isn’t girls — do work. I’m gonna jump into my studies, my schoolwork, everything. I’m gonna “go hard or go home” as someone once told me. I’m gonna go all in, and work harder than I ever have before. Physically, and mentally. I’m gonna get off my butt and do something for once.
The part about girls — stop doing work. Stop searching so hard to find someone to love me. Stop waiting anxiously; stop freaking out.
Someone once told me that the reason I lost them was because I was so preoccupied with getting with them that I made actually being with me boring.
That could have been prevented, yes? I believe so. I fucked up a lot last year in all of my relationships. Romantic and otherwise.
Stop worrying so much. If its meant to happen, it’ll happen. Maybe I already met the girl I’m gonna marry. Maybe I haven’t.
Whether I have or haven’t, that’s really nothing for me to worry about.
It’s not like I’m getting married tomorrow, right?
Of course not. Girls don’t like me.
At least, not that I know of.
We’ll see where this goes.
Welcome, 2012. Challenge accepted.

"Not everything is fixable. Sometimes you need to just make it through something. All you can do is wait."

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Make a Moment.

You know those moments when you get excited about someone?
Maybe you see them, and their face instantaneously puts a smile on yours. Their eyes draw you in, and you find comfort in the pools of color that seem to endlessly encompass the black circles in them. Their smile eases you; the mere fact that they’re happy makes you okay, because something must be going well. The sight of them as they approach you makes your heart race. They’re finally here.
Maybe you hear their voice, and it lets you know that they’re coming closer. The simple sound of their voice is enough to get your heart pounding through your chest. But only when you’re not with them; otherwise, it’s a symphony of violins. Not in that super cheesy way, where there is nothing more beautiful than the sound of their voice. I’m talking about that moment where you realize that the sound of their voice is your second favorite sound on the planet. Second only to the sound of their laugh, because hearing them happy makes you feel more complete. You could listen to them talk forever, but not just for the sound of their voice. You listen to every word they say, you remember every detail. You hear the emotion behind each sentence, each one drawing you to the edge of your seat. By the time you finally get around to speaking, it’s almost impossible not to smile because you’re just that happy.
Maybe you feel them. Their leg touches yours as you sit next to them, simply relaxing together. You love the fact that they’re comfortable enough to sit that close to you. Maybe they’re touching your head: the back, the front, the sides, the top. They run their hands through your hair as they playfully shake or massage your head. You smile as they move their fingers; perhaps you protest, claiming that they’re messing up your hair. Even if they are, and you’re genuinely frustrated, you can’t stay mad because a large part of you loved every minute.
Maybe their name came up, a casual topic of conversation. Someone said their name, and their face flashes in your mind. You instantly smile because you can’t help it. Thoughts of them come flying through your head: what you’ve done with them, what you want to do with them, and all the things that you’d do if they were there. Memories bombard you, but you’ve never been happier. You think of everything you’ve done together, remembering the most intricate details of every story. You’d trade all of the people you are with if it meant seeing them, even if it was just for the moment their name was mentioned.
Maybe you smell them. Perhaps their perfume, perhaps their natural scent. It’s on their clothes, their furniture, everything. You smell it in a jacket, or sprayed in a department store. You instantly think of every moment when you actually smelled them, and how it felt to be close enough to do so. The times when they smelt good come soaring to you, and all the excitement you felt in those moments builds to form the excitement you feel at that moment.
Maybe they just crossed your mind. You thought your mind was freely wandering, and then they showed up. And all you could do was allow every thought, every feeling, every moment of excitement to come back to you. You don’t fight it, even as your heart races. You simply dive into the ocean of your mind and close your eyes, allowing the very essence of their being to engulf you completely.
Your heart drops and jumps, races and slows, starts and stops. You can only focus on them, and everything that the two of you are.
Nothing can stop you in that moment. You simply empower yourself with the invincibility that they give you, simply by existing.
Yeah, you know those moments? Those moments where you get excited about someone?
I love those moments.

Me: Do you believe that this is possible?
Them: I do, with every single particle in my body.

Finally home.

Finally home, thank God. I never want to tent my house again. Major kudos to my dogs. Even though they practically destroyed my hearing with all their whining, I forgive them. They were troopers.
Finally home. No more bunk bed. No more full size bed. No more squeaky bed or stuffy sheets. Ugh, so over that shit.
Finally home. My own bed. California King, not a full on the bottom of a bunk bed. Black sheets, not race-car. Satin, 700 thread count, not flannel. Black blanket, fan blasting.
Finally home. Went Christmas shopping. Almost done. Three things left to buy. Gotta hit up Chipotle for a gift card, and the bank for some money. About to empty the bank account, but I’m ready for it.
Finally home. Ran in to a lot of familiar faces at Inland Center. A lot of whom I missed seeing. There was one I was so surprised to see. In a good way.
Finally home. Went to pick up Brooke at ten because she locked herself out of her house with a broken lock. She couldn’t get in, and I didn’t want her freezing. Fucking love my parents for letting me go. Couldn’t ask for better.
Finally home. Dogs knocked out. Brushed my teeth. Contacts out. Put new sheets on my bed.
Finally home. Crawled in bed. Realize something I hadn’t even realized.
Finally home. I changed the way I sleep. When the hell did that happen? I don’t sleep with my feet out of the blanket. I can’t, anymore. I curl the blanket under my feet, and use the warmth to keep them from freezing.
Finally home. That fact makes me think, makes me wonder. What if.
Finally home. I feel safe in my thoughts again, finally. I actually get worked up again. Not in a bad way this time. Like, enthusiastically. Excitedly. Happily.
Finally home. I missed this. This belief in dreams. In hope. In destiny.
Finally home.
Back where you belong, Nathaniel.
Finally home.
It’s good to be back.

"whatever happens, happens. we can handle anything. most def you can. youre pure steel. pretty much invincible. i honestly havent seen you smile that much today…"

a friend of mine.

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I wish things were the way they used to be. I wish we were the way we used to be.

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