sometimes I wonder if I’m the only person lonely and pathetic enough to be on tumblr this much
sometimes I wonder if I’m the only person lonely and pathetic enough to be on tumblr this much
could you not be so attractive, please
like, seriously
it’s so fucking distracting
As weird as this sounds, I miss the crazy girl who was ridiculously possessive of me. I haven’t seen her or heard from her since finals week last quarter when I drove her home because it was raining. She had no right to be like that, or to even care, because she had an actual boyfriend, but it was nice to feel necessary. And once I told her I was in a [fictional] long distance relationship, she backed off a lot. Granted, she inquired about her frequently (my fake girlfriend), and asked several questions about our “relationship” but she enjoyed being friends with me. And it was nice once she stopped being psychotic. I don’t know, it was just nice to feel like I was necessary in someone’s life again. But then the quarter ended and I haven’t heard from her since. But I guess that’s okay, because that which doesn’t kill you… & nothing ever stays the same, and once it’s changed it’s that way forever.
I guess it’s whatever, because this way I guess it’s easier in the long run. I can go live in New York or Europe and rent a loft or a nice apartment to live in. Rent will be cheaper if I live alone, so I guess that’s some good looking out, universe.
And oh. So I was talking to my mom about what I would say to some people if they ever decided to have a deep conversation with me, no holds barred. And it really comes down to the card game “Bullshit”; you bluff about what cards you have and you try to get people to believe you. The more they believe you, the better you’re playing. And basically, I call bullshit.
And that’s what I’m finally getting. The reason all of my memories sting so much isn’t just because I remember them & I miss them and whatnot. It’s because I remember the thoughts I had during the memories. I thought of how things would be. And then I think of how they should be.
And I realize now that I’m alone, & I never thought that I would be.
But it’s okay, because rent in New York is cheaper that way, I guess.
So, in my post about Glee earlier, I mentioned that I got a little teary-eyed when Puck and Beiste sang Mean in tonight’s episode. And I wouldn’t normally post something this personal on tumblr, but I’m actually mainly doing this because my sister (my actual, biological, blood relative) reads my tumblr for God knows what reason. And I wanted to tell her this, but I didn’t want to text it to her because them she’d have to awkwardly figure out what she’s supposed to say in response. And there really isn’t anything that needs to be said; which should explain why I don’t have this conversation with her in person. Or with anyone in person, to be honest. If you read this, which I don’t know why you would, you can bring it up if you absolutely have to. Or if you want to say something about it; just don’t think I’m looking for anything from posting this. I require no validation, no consolation, no hug or pat on the back. I’m really only writing / posting this so my sister understands a little bit of why I am the way I am. Well, so anyone who wants to can understand the way I am. But really it’s mainly just for my sister.
Now that that awkward introduction is out of the way, let’s get to the story behind everything.
As most people know, I’m very open and incredibly honest about my past and all the little details about my personal life. In fact, I’m still almost an open book when it comes to my life. There’s just not a lot of interesting things that happen, so there isn’t much to tell. The only things I keep to myself are the things that no one needs to know. So I hold them in.
One of the things I’m most open about is the fact that I was depressed for almost two years after I started high school. I could go on and on about that, but I could just summarize it and save a lot of people a story they’ve already heard.
If you haven’t, ask me. I’ll tell you.
My junior year, I wasn’t depressed. I found out that the girl I liked for two years liked me, and that was all peachy. I struggled with a lot of anger issues because I couldn’t figure out why nothing was falling into place the way I wanted it to. And honestly, I was a gigantic pain to deal with, let alone live with. (I would’ve used the B-word, but I’m trying not to cuss in this post)
But eventually, things worked out and I was happier than I had ever been. I hid my relationship from my parents, which was stupid because now they know all about it and they really wouldn’t have cared because they would’ve just been happy for me. Stupid me, I should’ve known: my parents want me to be happy.
But that’s not what this is about; sorry, I got sidetracked.
Long story short, I screwed up the summer before my senior year.
And thus began the hardest year of my life.
Raise your hand if you just got confused.
Let me explain.
Yes, my freshman year was hell (literally, not cussing). My grades dropped. I had four friends. I didn’t fit in. I had an obnoxious dick of a foreign exchange student for a roommate. I felt like I was letting my parents down. I felt like I was letting myself down. I sank low enough to a point where I no longer wanted to be here (take that to the farthest extent, if you haven’t already heard this story).
But eventually, I got out of it. And honestly, it was easier than my senior year.
Because going into my freshman year, I knew I’d have no friends; going into my senior year, I had more friends than I could count. There were few people I didn’t consider a friend of mine. My freshman year, all of my problems were the ones I had with myself; I was the one insulting myself, hating on me, hating on how I was, hating on who I was.
My senior year was different. Because it was harder.
I lost almost all of my friends at one point or another that year. But during that year, I can only think of one person who was never mad at me during that school year. And I haven’t spoken to him in over four months.
Interjection: I’m only referring to the people I went to school with.
Interjection 2: There were some people who never got mad at me, but they weren’t really there when I needed someone, because they were busy or didn’t want to be. I hold nothing against anyone; what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, right? It’s true.
Anyways. So, I lost the girl. Tried to get her back, but kept screwing it up. So I hated myself for not being able to do anything right and for even letting her go in the first place.
And I hated myself for the decisions I made. I lost a lot of friends because they got tired of me ignoring their advice. But then I followed their advice (or at least I listened to it), and things didn’t work out. Except they weren’t there when I needed them afterwards.
So, there were some days when I was alone. Not just literally, but emotionally. There was a week where I slept less than a two hours cumulatively. I kept having these thoughts that there was a demon at the foot of my bed telling me to leave everyone alone.
Wow, just realized that I’ve never told anyone that. Well then.
But by the end of the first semester, I had no idea why I even liked who I was. Then I realized I didn’t. I listened and thought about every word that anyone had ever told me that year; whether it was said in anger or not, I remembered everything. And I repeated them to myself, reminding me of all my faults.
You have no control over your emotions.
You’re so arrogant.
There’s confidence, and then there’s arrogance, and then there’s you.
You never think before you do anything.
You’re so rude.
Why are you such a douche?
You’re always worried about yourself.
You think you’re hot ish (censored), but you’re not.
It all ran through my head. And I convinced myself that it was all true. And I hated myself.
To this day, there are things about myself I despise. Because I really just beat it so hard into myself that I believe it to my very core.
Basically, fast forward to the day before Winter break started. I had “gotten over” what happened in high school. But it still stung, because it legitimately screwed me up more than anyone realized. I had started college, but I didn’t have many friends. I was doing well in my major, but I would have rather cut my eyelids off than do it for the rest of my life. I had lost my best friend, but then finally reconciled with her. I had gotten myself into a new relationship (my first since the one junior year), but that one had ended, too. I had made a new friend (who I now refer to as my twin sister), but I had lost more friends than I thought I would after graduation.
Basically, I just started to think that I’d be stuck on this small-up big-down cycle forever. And honestly, maybe I will be. But I still remember driving home after my Computer Science final (which I finished first, in record time, and still got a 97%) and twirling the radio dial at a stoplight. Radio commercials are the devil to me.
And then I recognized Taylor Swift’s voice, which I love. I proudly own her first two CDs. But I hadn’t listened to Speak Now, because I had never gotten around to it.
And it was some whacked out country station, to be honest. I don’t think I would have ever found it if God hadn’t put it on the radio for me to stumble upon.
So I started to listen to it, and I fell in love with it.
Because honestly, I felt like I was destined to hear that song that day.
One day, I will be big. Whether I’m some hot-shot doctor that’s well known in the hospital I work at, or some famous talk show host like Ellen (my dream job), or writing and starring in a TV sitcom like Josh Radnor (my dream life), or even if I’m just well known in my family.
Because I will make everyone proud of me. I’ll prove everyone who has doubted me wrong; this song brings a smile to my face and emotional tears to my eyes.
I may not actually get watery, or cry, because I do my best to not ever. But honestly, this song is the song that finally convinced me that everything will be okay some day.
I pulled over on my way home, looked up the song on my phone, and sat on the roof of my car listening to it blasting through my speakers.
I have been bullied. I don’t consider what happened to me in high school bullying; that was just emotional rape, to be honest. I couldn’t handle anything that anyone threw my way that year, and I ended up doing some things that I should’ve have, messing up a lot of things I wish I still had, and just straight up ruining certain aspects of my life.
But I wasn’t bullied, technically. But I had low self-esteem going into high school.
I was picked on in elementary school because I was smart, and because my mom was a teacher at the same school.
In middle school, I had a girl tell me she liked me for the first time. But she later denied ever having feelings for me. To this day, I don’t think she’s ever admitted it. Well, that’s too bad, because I think I’m sweeter than a freaking teddy bear sometimes. Just letting that out there.
But I have a lot of baggage; even now, I’m still attaining more baggage.
Lost a friend, got them back, and might as well have lost them again because they never talk to me.
People come and go from my life as they please, and I never stop them. But I do my best not to let my baggage get to heavy. Because I’ve been to some of the darkest, lowest places in life, and I refuse to go there again.
And I refuse to let anyone get there.
I’m so against bullying it’s ridiculous.
Since college started, I have:
Shoved someone into a wall for tripping someone who walked with a limp
Cussed out someone for running into a young lady and then blaming her, when it was clearly his fault
Responded to someone tell a girl, “You look like a dumbass when you run.” with “You look like a bitch when you breathe.”*
*Doesn’t count as cussing; it’s a quote.
I refuse to let anyone intentionally lower someone’s self esteem if there’s anything I can do about it.
Because everyone is important, everyone matters, and everyone is beautiful to someone.
If my friends hate on themselves, I’ll refute it immediately because everyone I love is amazingly good looking. I’m just blessed like that.
But yeah, now I’m just rambling.
I doubt anyone has read this whole thing. But I really just wanted to let everyone know why the song “Mean” means this much to me.
Because some day, everything will be okay.
Maybe I won’t ever get married. Maybe I won’t ever be famous. Maybe I won’t graduate from medical school.
But I know for a fact that I will never be mean.
Which is why I’m writing this to my sister: because I’m mean to her.
And I just wanted to say that I’m sorry. I’m trying really hard. But I have a lot of baggage. And you’re really the only person who can help me carry it. I’m sorry I take it out on you, but I’m doing my best not to. You really are a great sister. Sorry I’m such a dick all the time; give it some time. Once I grow into myself, you and I will get along all the time.
One day, everything will be okay. One day, you and I will be the best of friends. It might be when I’m 30 or something, but it’ll happen one day.
Some day.
“Someday I’ll be living in a big old city, / And I promise I won’t be so mean. / Someday I’ll be old enough so I won’t hurt you, / And I promise I won’t be so mean… / I’m trying not to be so mean.”
Glee tonight was too much. Two hours, two new episodes, best day of my life.
The first episode with the switch-up-switcharoo was too much for me to handle. My parents and I talked about how entertained we were by all the switch-ups.
My favorite was Mike Chang with his dreadlocks.
Umm, oh, the Jason Mraz cover was amazing. Rachel’s voice is too beautiful for my ears. Tina’s cover during the switcharoo was pretty good too. The episode was really emotional for me, and it was phenomenal.
The Puck / Beiste storyline was heartbreaking. Seriously, the scene where he talked about feeling worthless made me feel so bad for him. Character or not, he’s been through a lot of shit in his life. And it really threw things into perspective for me.
You can doubt my straightness all you want, but I’m not gonna lie: I love me some Taylor Swift. And when Puck sang “Mean” with Beiste, my eyes got a little watery. That song is really meaningful to me; ask me why in person if you really give a shit to know. But seriously, that performance was too legit for me to handle.
There was not a thing about anything I didn’t absolutely love about my two hours of glee tonight.
Dreadlocks (Joe) said my favorite line in the whole episode tonight. Sam says, “I am your father.” from under a welder’s mask, and Dreads goes, “Is that a movie?”
AND THAT was the best line of my life, because I haven’t seen any of the original Star Wars, and I don’t remember anything about the three that I saw (I, II, III).
Also, Rachel looked absolutely fantastic with that side part while she was Tina during the switcharoo. And I could get used to her cute little blue highlights.
Umm, that’s pretty much my thoughts on the first episode.
Nationals episode: oh, dear God.
I don’t want to spoil anything for anyone who hasn’t seen it yet, but I loved every single song they covered. Honestly, it just made my day. I loved the whole episode; all the drama, all the love, it was just wonderful. I’ll buy it on Blu-Ray when it’s released. For real, this is definitely one of my favorite shows.
And then, who could forget my girlfriends.
I have a little crush (which is new) on Angel, or whatever her name is. She’s actually a really sweet person and her cute little oddities got to me tonight. In a good way, of course.
Brittany looked all cute in these episodes; not to mention she never failed to make me laugh. “I’m not fully gay, but I think trees are born the same way as babies, so kicking me out would be kind of mean.”
Quinn can walk now, praise the Lord. She worked so hard for the “Edge of Glory” number, and it was just lovely. And then during the Paradise number (which was AMAZING, if I forgot to mention that) she had her hair pinned and pulled back a little, and she looked so pretty.
RACHEL, the absolutely gorgeous lead singer, was too good tonight. Honestly, she sang so well and she looked so pretty, and it was legit.
And then there’s my favorite: Santana. Oh my gosh, she’s so beautiful and I love her voice and she is just so pretty and her character is such a little badass and oh my stars, she’s too much.
Anyways, rant over.
If you didn’t get it by now, I loved Glee.
I love Glee.
These were two of the best episodes I’ve seen of this show, if not THEE best. The scene with Puck and Beiste in the locker room was too legit.
Anyways, I’m done.
Have a nice night.
Glee > the rest of my Tuesday
I rarely ever believe people when they compliment me. Not because I’m fishing for more compliments and I’m doing that whole “Please, I’m not cute” thing that people frequently do. I don’t do that; I just honestly don’t believe people when they compliment me. I’ve struggled with self-esteem on and for almost six full years now. I’ve been bullied, picked on (there’s a difference), lied to, lied about, an several other situations that have damaged the very foundation of my most inner psyche. So I don’t usually believe compliments; I know my faults and I know my strengths. But I usually refuse to believe people when they compliment me because I don’t like the idea of getting arrogant. People often misconceive any amount of confidence from me as arrogance; I once lost someone because I was actually arrogant, and it’s cost me more than you can imagine. So now, I refuse to allow any form of confidence for fear of it morphing into arrogance. Therefore, I apologize in advance if you compliment me and you feel like I don’t believe you. I thank you for you kindness, but I probably won’t believe you.
Which brings me to brother Neal’s compliment today; without a doubt the best compliment I’ve ever received.
“Hey Nate, no homo, but you could go be a model.”
He told me I could go be a model if I went to India or something because I’ve got the right facial structure that they look for, I’m fairly light skinned, and I’m tall. Not to mention he likes the way I dress.
I don’t really believe him, mainly because I don’t know how. But the sheer fact that he complimented me in that manner pretty much made my day. So regardless of the amount of truth it holds, I thank you, brother Neal.
I do this thing a lot
Where I look at something & then wonder to myself, “What the hell are you doing?”
Because I’m not that guy
Or rather, I’m not “this guy”
The one I come across as
These days, at least
Because I used to be this person
That believed in everything
And believed in myself
And the things I could accomplish
Based on the person I am
But I realize now,
That I was wrong
Because I’m not longer I was
Instead I’m now who I am
All on a count of the fact
That the person I was
Was killed by the person I wanted to be
Oh the irony
Watch as it engulfs me
And leaves everything that I am
Represented in the sand
Nothing
Some people find it hard to believe that I’m actualy as close to my mom as I claim to be. I don’t know why they think I would lie about that, it isn’t exactly the coolest thing in the world to say my mom’s one of my best friends.
But they never understand what I have to talk about with my mom, because she’s, well, my mom. They don’t get that I have a very strange personality. I wouldn’t say it’s unique, because that sounds arrogant; but it’s ridiculously hard to find someone who understands the way I think.
Even my best friend doesn’t fully get why I am the way that I am. But my mom was a lot like me when she was younger; that is, I am my mother’s son. Which I’m happy about, because my mom’s been through hell and back and she never let it get her down. I guess I didn’t exactly inherit that gene, did I?
But my mom always sees the good in people, so I’m trying to be more like her in that sense, too.
I really just want to be a person that someone’s happy to call theirs.
Yeah, of course this came back to relationships, cool ish. I feel like I’m constantly whining about being single, but its not like I’m wanting a relationship with anyone who wants me.
Quite the contrary: I’m probably the pickiest person in existence, to be honest.
I’m bringing this back to relationships because I went shopping with my mom last Saturday at Tyler. And we started talking about relationships, because I thanked her for explaining something about my mindset to my sister a couple nights before. My mom said she understood what I thought, and that “she got it.”
My mom then proceeded to talk about the things she thought about during the last three years of my life. It really got to me, and I couldn’t help but put the biggest smile on my face because my mom actually understood me.
And then she took it one step further; she used phrases I’ve never heard my mom use, especially not in relation to me and a girl. Like, it completely blindsided me.
“…..everything…..heart and soul….everything they needed, ever….”
“….gave yourself fully….invested in them….”
etc.
I’m purposely being vague about this because if you care enough to read this, you can ask me. But I reserve the right to refuse to tell you.
Basically, I just wanted to toss it out there that I love my mom.
Kindly excuse this note. I wrote this in a very agitated state. Please excuse my colorful language and extreme harshness. I apologize in advance.
I titled this note the “phrase” that I did because it helps describe this post. I’ll do my best to keep it short. I titled it asdfghjkl for two reasons.
1. Because it describes the frustration / irritation I felt during the moments that this story took place.
2. I’ll be using asdfghjkl instead of cussing.
So I was sitting in my Wnglish class and we were supposed to be discussing the reading. But the two girls behind me (in my “group”) didn’t do the ready. They failed the quiz and they were mad at me already because I didn’t; I did the reading in the hours before class, so it was all fresh in my mind.
So, the topic of guys crying in front of their girlfriends came up, because I had expressed my agitation with the narrator of the story for crying in front of his girlfriend because he was begging her to stay, despite the fact that he didn’t really know who she was or what she was thinking.
He was basically using crying as a manipulation tactic to try and control her emotions. And I said that I don’t believe a boyfriend should cry in front of his girlfriend unless it’s over the death of a loved one or you got run over by a car or something.
And these asdfghjkl just really wanted to rip into me. So, they figured they’d “jokingly” stab at me, because they knew I wasn’t going to do anything about it.
Among their jabs and taunts, a certain few stood out.
“Well, I think it’s okay for guys to cry. It shows they have a sensitive side. You must not be very in tune with your emotions.”
I bit my tongue. Silence is golden, I told myself.
“You must never have had a successful relationship; it’s obviously because they didn’t think you showed enough emotion.”
I didn’t say anything.
“Guys cry because it’s an emotion; just because you don’t show emotion, don’t get mad at the guys who do.”
I held my ground; not letting anything get to me.
I figured I’d interject though; I told them that I have had two girlfriends, and I haven’t cried in front of either of them. Ever.
“Well, that’s because you didn’t trust them enough.”
I calmly stated, No, I did. Don’t assume you know anything about my relationships.
“Have you ever taken care of someone? Because that’s when you really start to trust them enough to cry in front of them.”
I was already starting to get a little abrasive; these asdfghjkl should’ve realized that they were playing in a room full of gas and they were about to light a match.
But, they’re both ridiculously stupid and oblivious to people.
So, they lit the match.
“Obviously, you’ve never been in love. Because if you were really in love, then you would’ve cried. Just wait, one day you’ll fall in love and that stone heart of yours will realize it’s okay to cry.”
Boom.
Oh asdfghjkl no, you arrogant, condescending, conceited little asdfghjkl. I held my tongue for long enough, but you have crossed so many lines I don’t even know where to start.
One. My emotions. I am more in tune with my emotions than most guys are; not just guys my age, guys in general. And I’m not meaning to sound arrogant, it’s just that asdfghjkl true. And not only that, but God had blessed me with the great ability to express my emotions. Unlike you, I know the difference between thinking you feel something and actually feeling it. I’m more in tune with my emotions than your has-been-athletic-in-a-former-life asdfghjkl is. So pardon your condescension, you are excused.
Two. My relationships. You have no idea why either of them ended, so kindly keep your huge asdfghjkl nose out of it. If you started to evaluate yourself instead of pretending you know anything about me, then maybe you wouldn’t have to wonder why you’ve never had a relationship.
Three. “Guys cry because it’s an emotion.” Umm, are you asdfghjkl retarded? Crying is not an emotion. Sad is an emotion. Happy. Loving. Angry. Mad. Joyful. Cry is a verb, not an emotion. So kindly learn your parts of speech before you use another sentence in the English language. You’re giving Americans a bad name.
Four. I don’t show emotion? You obviously have never had a real conversation with me in your life. Oh, wait, no that’s right. You haven’t. So how the asdfghjkl would you have any idea of what I do or do not express, you asdfghjkl.
Five. I didn’t trust them enough? You must be stupid; I have never trusted someone so much in my entire life. You know how you think you and that guy who you’re “trying to work things out with” have all that “trust” with each other? Yeah, well that was the level of trust I had like two years before I started even talking to the girl I dated. So kindly shut up and think before you open your asdfghjkl mouth.
Six. Yes, I have taken care of someone. Not in the sense that they’ve needed me to take care of them, but I’ve been in a situation where I cared more for them than I did for myself. Have you? I doubt it.
Seven. “Obviously you’ve never been in love.” Obviously I’ve never been in love? Because I chose not to cry in front of her? Because I wanted her to think that I was strong, that I could handle myself emotionally? Because I thought that I should be the one that she could lean on and never have to worry about if I can handle it? I have never been in love because I didn’t cry in front of her? What kind of fallacy do you live by? You think that just because I didn’t cry, that she didn’t know the inner-workings of my emotions better than I did myself? You are sadly mistaken, you asdfghjkl. I have been in love. And she knew I loved her. And as far as I know, she has never seen me cry. And I don’t believe she should have to in order to know that I was in love with her.
And for the record, I don’t think that crying should be done by a guy in front of his girlfriend because I believe that crying can create a feeling of burden or bias unnecessarily. And I was referring to the douchebag of a character in the novel; I don’t believe in the manipulation of emotions. Whether it involves crying or not, I believe that if you aren’t straight up with someone, then you have no business speaking to them.
