I wonder why people actually follow me
like seriously
it’s not like I post anything entertaining
it’s just random text posts like this
I practically have Tourette’s on here

so I was going through tumblr
aka just living my life
and then I came upon this text-picture-quote thing
you know, like half the shit on tumblr
and it was like,
“think of the last person you kissed…”
in this normal typeface right
and then it says
“you’d marry them, huh?”
in italics and the word marry is bolded and stuff
and I thought about it
then I laughed really hard
and was like
umm no, fuck that
I wouldn’t even date the last person I kissed
does that make mean an asshole
probably
whoops
oh well
maybe tumblr’s text pictures are only fun when you’re in a relationship
or when you’re not me
oh well

cool story, bro
thanks

I have this undeniable urge to tell you every thought in my mind.

Dreams. Last night.

I just remembered my two dreams from last night. The first one was completely out of the blue. The second one was spot on.
Dream one. Not gonna go into extreme detail, but I basically went to some huge campus and met this girl. I recognized her name, but the girl looked nothing like the person I know whose name she shared. The girl looked like the person I imagine whenever I listen to cute songs or shit like that. But her name was enough to kill the mood completely. lol.
Dream two. Spot on. Legitimately. I woke up before the second dream because I got a text message. The dream took the text message, and expanded it completely. All the background information, all the behind-the-scenes, all the wondering. It made me think a lot, but it made me absolutely happy. It did leave me waking up with one question. It’s been eating at me for a while. I honestly need to know the answer to this question. Two words, plain and simple.
What if.

"Words are dangerous. Silence is deadly. A combination of the two is lethal, but only to oneself."

Here and now.

The strangest part about all of this is that I feel like I’ve been here before. Same story, part two. And the first time this all happened, I was miserable, wasn’t I?

So, why should this time be any different?

Honestly, I have no idea. But I’m not sad. Not even a little. I’m excited, I’m happy. I get worked up all the time. But not in a bad way. It’s more like a Hell yes, I can’t believe this is happening type thing. I love it. I have no idea how this will end, and I have no idea when it will end.

All I know, is that it probably won’t end the way I want it to. But honestly, I would rather struggle for the best than be guaranteed anything less. Does that make sense?

Honestly, I’m not scared. I’m terrified.

But, this is what I want.

It’s about time I got my head on straight.

Welcome back, Nathaniel. I missed you.

"I saw you every week. Three days a week, for ten weeks. The first time I saw your real smile was when you got that amazing grade on that one paper. You looked so happy. I’d never seen you so happy. The smile on your face when you were looking at her was a hundred times bigger. I’m not sure if that means anything, but I think it does."

Pocahontas

Finally home.

Finally home, thank God. I never want to tent my house again. Major kudos to my dogs. Even though they practically destroyed my hearing with all their whining, I forgive them. They were troopers.
Finally home. No more bunk bed. No more full size bed. No more squeaky bed or stuffy sheets. Ugh, so over that shit.
Finally home. My own bed. California King, not a full on the bottom of a bunk bed. Black sheets, not race-car. Satin, 700 thread count, not flannel. Black blanket, fan blasting.
Finally home. Went Christmas shopping. Almost done. Three things left to buy. Gotta hit up Chipotle for a gift card, and the bank for some money. About to empty the bank account, but I’m ready for it.
Finally home. Ran in to a lot of familiar faces at Inland Center. A lot of whom I missed seeing. There was one I was so surprised to see. In a good way.
Finally home. Went to pick up Brooke at ten because she locked herself out of her house with a broken lock. She couldn’t get in, and I didn’t want her freezing. Fucking love my parents for letting me go. Couldn’t ask for better.
Finally home. Dogs knocked out. Brushed my teeth. Contacts out. Put new sheets on my bed.
Finally home. Crawled in bed. Realize something I hadn’t even realized.
Finally home. I changed the way I sleep. When the hell did that happen? I don’t sleep with my feet out of the blanket. I can’t, anymore. I curl the blanket under my feet, and use the warmth to keep them from freezing.
Finally home. That fact makes me think, makes me wonder. What if.
Finally home. I feel safe in my thoughts again, finally. I actually get worked up again. Not in a bad way this time. Like, enthusiastically. Excitedly. Happily.
Finally home. I missed this. This belief in dreams. In hope. In destiny.
Finally home.
Back where you belong, Nathaniel.
Finally home.
It’s good to be back.

Dreams are always one of two things. Sometimes, they are life giving us a glimpse of the greatness that lies in the future. And sometimes, they are life taunting us with what will never be.

Oh my sweet goodness.

Freida Pinto.